I tried committing… but I wasn’t ready…

Lately, my thoughts are all over the place. It’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything for myself. Part of this is unintentional; much of it is/was a product of my life circumstances.

I ended up dating someone (like, an actual, real relationship) for about 8 weeks and that really effed things up. I spent zero time writing for myself. I worked on a couple of things early on and then, my life revolved around a relationship I wasn’t sure I wanted.

It was shiny and new and I wanted to spend a lot of time with my new beau. Not surprising. But as time wore on, it became clearer and clearer (unfortunately, most of this clarity happened right near the end, making things a bit more abrupt than I would have hoped for) that we weren’t right for each other. Not long term, for sure, but maybe not even temporarily. My BFF came to Korea for a week and when I couldn’t get the time with him that I asked for, that was the nail in the coffin.

Nice guy. Adorably nerdy. But too clingy, too rushed to get serious, and too much for me. I ran.

I admit I didn’t handle it the best in the last few days. I was very passive-aggressive while my friend was here. I was a bit of a bitch. Should I be sorry? Probably. The worst part, though, is that I don’t feel sorry. I feel justified.

I’ll say it. I’m a terrible person.

I Took a Chance

The truth is, Reader, that I wanted to be with somebody. I’d had an innocent crush on the delightfully nerdy Canadian (he’ll forever be known to me as “the Canadian”) for months and when my friend and I got a little tipsy one Friday, she intervened and sent him a message. It worried me because I know how I am… I don’t do commitment. I don’t do real “relationships” now that I’ve been in a few. In my head, I thought, “Oh, well. No going back now.”

You might think I should have spoken up and said something. Said more about not being sure. I think I may have in my inebriated state, but not with much gusto. Instead, I decided in that moment to take a leap. To be open to the possibility of caring for another human and being open to commitment. (This also scared the living shit out of me.)

Here’s the big truth: I’ve been a serial dater for nearly 3 years now, entering into what I like to call “pseudo relationships” because they begin and end with the same pretext: they are time-bound. They will end at a very specific time so there’s no opportunity for “real feelings.” We can enjoy our few weeks or months together and when the time comes, we both go our separate ways and get on with our lives. But something in me was yearning for more. What did I want? I wanted to love someone. To feel. More importantly: I wanted to “feel” without feeling guilty about it.

To me, the best and most logical way to do that was to face my fear of possibly changing my current life trajectory of pursuing a digital nomad lifestyle. It meant that I needed to be open to developing emotions. It meant that I had to take a bit of a risk and accept that I might get hurt in the end.

So I leapt. I took a chance. I opened up my heart and my mind to what could be. Unfortunately for him, I soon realized two things:

  • I’m not ready to be tied to anyone yet.
  • He was wrong for me in so many ways.

The wrongness isn’t important. I won’t bore you with the details. But suffice it to say, it was too serious too fast and I wasn’t having enough fun. I wasn’t being challenged as a person.

The Aftermath

After having some long talks about my relationship with JW while he was here and him asking me, “Krissi, I’m pretty protective of you. If you’re not completely happy, why are you wasting your time?”, it was clear that it needed to end. In just 8 weeks, I had lost sight of myself again (as I am sometimes prone to do).

I more or less ended it and suddenly realized that in the last few weeks, I had spent all my free time with other humans, completely neglecting my need for “alone time” to recoup. According to the 16 Personalities test, I’m 86% extraverted, but that last 14% of introversion isn’t something to ignore. I need my hermit time and I was long overdue.

So I decided to give myself a month to work on me.

I made plans to see my previous army “boyfriend” a couple more times before he was set to leave for the States (and realized how much I had missed him while dating the Canadian and that I actually preferred spending time with him rather than with the Canadian – leaving him the last time was actually a little hard for me, unlike my previous pseudo relationships) and avoided all other human contact as much as possible on weekends. Then after we (army man) parted, I established a “no fly” zone in my pants. Closed for the summer, folks.

I figure, how am I supposed to work on myself if I’m focused on anyone else? That’s right, I can’t.

Here’s what I mean by “working on me”:

1. I started the Whole30 dietary plan on Monday, July 4.

So far, it totally sucks and I’m literally having dreams about eating mediocre cinnamon rolls and chocolate Ghiradelli fudge. (Not even sure that’s a real thing and in reality, I’d prefer Godiva chocolate anyway.) I also really miss having milk in my coffee. Despite these things, this was something I had talked about while I was still with the Canadian and was determined to do after JW left. I am in it for the long haul (30 days, anyway) now.

2. This week, I’m starting a 100-day self-challenge to be active for at least 30 minutes a day.

On Saturday, I went to pick up my new bike from the Canadian’s (he helped me buy it) so I have it back finally – after a flipping month due to rain and my own hermitiness. This is a self-made plan. I bought this nifty calendar and actually planned to start this project months ago, but I allowed that relationship to sidetrack me and never actually started. Time to get my shit together.

3. I am determined to blog at least twice a month and get back on track with my own personal writing.

This is a recurring theme; I stop for a while and then I come back to it. The problem is that this is my last Korean year and there’s still so much to see, do, and write about. KBFF and I are planning some big travel plans for this winter (Europe?!) and I’m planning on going to Bali for my birthday this fall. Not to mention, my whole life is going to change and revolve around writing and editing a year from now. It’s time to get in gear, start researching and making decisions about how I will be my own boss.

4. I’m serious about the month-long “no fly” zone.

It’s no secret to my close friends that I have trouble keeping my legs together (in a figurative way, of course, and please take no offense to this admission) and therefore, it’s probably not a bad thing that I’m choosing to be abstinent for a while. I’m coming off a weird relationship that was short but felt too long and another relationship that was meant to be short but I wanted to be longer. I need to remember what it feels like to be fully independent and strong. And honestly, it’s just too hot to be bothered with being in close quarters to other humans.

5. I’m going to take a weekend trip to the beach… by myself.

JW and I sat on the beach for a few hours while he was here which we both thoroughly enjoyed. I said, “I always think about coming down here on my own but just never have.” He said I should and he’s right. So I’m going to do it. Hard to plan around the rain, but it’s happening. I’m watching the weekend forecasts like it’s my new job.

This is all great, but we’ll see how closely I follow my own rules. I have high hopes as none of these are terribly difficult to do, just require planning and abstaining from downloading Tinder to my phone.

Expect a full report back in the future.

The Big Point

So, it’s obvious that relationships aren’t for everyone. I don’t think I’m going to be “alone” forever, but I’m definitely not ready to be with someone for “forever” right now. Whoever that ends up being is going to have to be pretty amazing because I won’t just “settle” for anyone.

Independence is okay. I take pride in the fact that I can live my life, pay my bills, and make my own decisions by myself. I don’t need a man to take care of me and hopefully, I never will. But just because I’m independent doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to play that role of “knight in shining armor.” I’m just not ready for him yet.

 

If you’re not sure about relationships, Reader, you’re not alone. Stand your ground. Someone awesome will be along later but for now, do your thing.

8 Comments

  1. Ty Jay says:

    I’ve tried replying a few times, but it doesn’t seem to have gone through. Maybe ’cause I was using my phone? On computer now, so hopefully, this will work.

    Anyway, relationships are hard…especially the end…the leaving…and more so, if it was good. From reading your article, it seems as if your Army boyfriend meant more to you than the Canadian. You should have spent more time with him, but at least you gave it a shot and know more for the future. I suspect that he (your Army boyfriend), too, had a hard time saying goodbye.

    Keep your head up, your never know what will come your way. Hope you are well.

    • Thanks for your kind words, Ty! (Not sure about your other comments – sorry!) it was tough to say goodbye to him. We had a great connection and a lot of fun. I hope it wasn’t just me; I hope he felt the same. Our life circumstances would never have allowed it to “work out” and really, and some point I would have pulled away! Haha. But it was wonderful while it lasted – my favorite short-term relationship I’ve had in Korea. :)

      Thanks for reading!

  2. Pingback: I stopped caring… a lesson in satisfaction… | a little bit brave

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